Thursday, January 31, 2013

A Song for Masaya...



I dreamed for you, hoped for you, prayed for you and suddenly then you were there.
You presence too strong to ignore, immediately I was aware.
Made from love and surrounded by it, my role as your mother was created by the Divine.
And from the moment I saw your heart beat my life changed,
the notion of life, of human kind.
Growing everyday, I talked to you in my womb. 
I already knew your name and called it every chance I got.
The date looming, but the days so sweet,
Those precious moments, the first time I touched your hands, your feet

My Masaya, my prince, my joy and my love,
Everyday I thank the heavenly Creator above.

The only child I know who wakes up smiling,
I can only mirror it right back, not forced or trying.
Something about this boy, no man can name
Destiny, fate, it is infinite, it is same.
This old soul returning to finish some tasks unknown,
He has shown me meaning, I am a woman, I am grown.
I apologize when I take his lacking out against you,
He needs to stand up and be the teacher, provider, not you.
And I know I hold you at such high standards,
But the world is cruel and people spiteful,
I will prepare as much as I can, but my son, be watchful.
Until the day you leave my home I will be you're instructor,
I promise not to rome.
I pray for your strength, for your love, for your hope,
You and I are forever connected by that spiritual rope.

My Masaya, my prince, my joy and my love,
Everyday I thank the heavenly Creator above.

Friday, January 18, 2013

I want to be alone...or not



Well, hello, hello! Come into my den said the spider. I pray that the new year is going well for all of you as it has for me. As always thanks for stopping by to read the thought of a mad woman. I am forever grateful to you. So let's start with that title.

I've been having an interesting conversation with a wonderful new friend named Jeremy Franklin. Not only is Jeremy an excellent musician (he's is a member of the amazing band, Son of the Sun) but I LOVE talking to him. I mean, the guy not only keeps me entertained, but he keeps me thinking. We were at working discussing relationships and he brought up this concept that he and I are not really fans of. The idea of separate, but together. This is broken down into the thought that you're in a relationship with a person, but not incorporating that person in all aspects of your life. You keep your friends and family in one area, your work associates in another and your lover in its own category. These components may intertwine from time to time, but for the majority of the time, they do not. Now, I don't want to confuse you, I'm not talking about casual sex or having a lover, where the majority of the relationship and bond is physical. I mean, you are actually in a committed relationship or even married to this person. Jeremy made a point that we have become such an individual society that even our relationships have become stoic. I couldn't help digesting what he said. And all I could think was...then what's the point of being in a relationship?

Now I'm not here to judge, that's not my style or my role. However, this does not work for me. I can understand if something is new and your feeling out the waters. I say take your time. See where that person is and if your really want to make that person a permanent fixture in your life. But this new thing Woody Allen/Mia Farrow  across the park kinda a relationship I just don't get. Have we become so self absorbed that we can't share the thing that holds us all together..life. When I give myself to someone, I give all of myself and I'm not justt speaking in a romantic sense here. In all my relationships,my God, my love, my mother, my child, my friends, I give myself. Which is the main reason why my intimate circle is so small. The people who are in my life for the long haul are apart of all aspects, not the few I pick for them. Its pretty simple, either we are in this together or we're not. Either you're with me or your not, its quite simple. These "straddle the line type of relationships" only lead to confusion, misinterpretations and eventually demise.

If all you can give me is the time that we're in bed together then I'd rather go to bed alone. We are here to work together and make this life worth living. That human connection is what has built such great societies, ideas, writings, songs and experiences. We lose that, we lose ourselves.

P.S. If you're in the Buffalo area, Son of the Sun will be playing at DBGB's on Allen St., January 25th. To learn more about Son of the Sun please visit http://www.sonofthesunmusic.com/

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Hello 2013!: Finally Leaving the Waiting Place

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky.

-Dr. Seuss, "Oh! The Places You'll Go"


First and foremost, Happy New Year everyone!!! What a blessing to see a new year. There are so many who were unable to continue the journey and we should all be grateful that we are still traveling this thing called life.

I LOVE Dr. Seuss! He was one of my favorites growing up, so naturally, when I had my own child, I knew that the good doctor would be in his life. About a week or so ago, I was reading "Oh! The Places You'll Go" to Masaya and I kept reading the same section over and over again. Of course he didn't appreciate that I was having an epiphany and decided to leave the room for more exciting things, but I kept on reading. And it hit me...no, rather it slapped me in the face. And it was a hard ass slap by the way. I was living my life in "The Waiting Place". Dr. Seuss was so right because it is "a most useless place". In pretty much all aspects of my life I was waiting for myself, something or someone to act or move or write or change. I sat in my sons' room and reminisced about the past year and all the waiting I did and frankly, I got pissed. The time I wasted, which turned into disappointment and resentment. The sadness, from knowing that I will never get that time back, began to cover me and I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes. I quickly got it together and put the book back on the shelf, but the thoughts would not stop coming. Something as simple as waiting for a text had me in an emotional tailspin. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Malinda! Come on, its just a text. Get it together." But my point is that in this age of technology, where my 2 year old son can use an iPad better then I can, why does it take someone 24 hours to send a 30 second text back? Because as I wait and long for that person to be in my life, they obviously don't want to be in mine. As I wonder why I haven't heard back from them, they are living their lives, not giving a shit about me. I finally understood that I need to get out of that place, that horrible space.

I committed to a life change that day. I will not wait around for texts or likes on Facebook and Instagram. I will not wait for grown ups to finally grow up. I will not wait for friends that never seem to be around. I will not let my own fears and insecurities hold me back from leaping into the unknown. I will not wait anymore. I will go to that open mic night and stop making excuses. I will write more, no matter how uninspired I feel. I will continue to get up at 5:30am and do yoga because really, no one ever regrets working out. And when I send that text, if you choose not to respond, I'll just know not to text you anymore. I know that I only want to be around people who want to be around me. I want to love people who truly love me back, not just when its convenient for them. My time, my life and what I give is a precious thing and when I offer it and you choose not to accept, then I will give that gift to someone else who is worthy of me.

But...I will not wait to encourage all of you. I try my best to live my life as honest as I can. I don't like to tell all my business, but I don't mind sharing my experiences and what I've learned, in the hope that it will not only better me but others as well. Those of you who know me, know that when I speak to you it is from my heart, no pompous or fluffy. As humans we mirror each other and I try to make sure that the reflection of yourself that you see in me is a positive one. And that is what I wish to see in you. That energy will only grow and florish and change the world. And if I don't see it, I know now not to wait for that reflection to change. Here's to leaving that waiting place!

Peace, Blessings and Happy 2013!
Malinda xoxo