Thursday, June 28, 2012

Connecting on all Levels

Now this an interesting topic, but an important one I feel. I was bored to tears at work today and started trolling through Facebook cause I had nothing better to do. When I came across a link that my friend Jae Rozier had posted. It was an article in the most recent Essance magazine about how important sex is  to a relationship. The aritical was quite interesting and was written by a well versed gentleman. It went on to talk about how a young, Hollywood couple (who are not virgins I want to point out) decided not to have sex until they were married. Now this is a beautiful thing and so special I think and very romantic. But here is my issue. What happens when the wedding is over and the guest have gone home and you and your new love go to do the deed and its…well, its bad. And I don't mean lack luster, I mean bad. Could you over look a sexual relationship with your partner and just settle for everything else? Would you pass up a great partner if the physical relationship is less then desired?

 I started looking at the different opinons and of course I have my own, but we’ll get into that later. It seemed like the majority of people in the discussion had the same idea. Oh, just teach them what to do or have them do research. But what if that doesn’t work? I’ll give you two sceniros. You meet the perfect person and everything seems great but, let’s just say that “nature” has not blessed this person. You try different things, techniques, but you can’t work with what you don’t have. Do you just say "Oh well, I’ll have a horrible sex life and just appreciate the fact that this person loves me". All the while fantisising about every sexy person that passes you by? Now let's change up the scerino. You’re willing to teach, but what if that person was unwilling to learn? Some folks are just that arrogant and think they know everything and frankly don't want to be told that they are bad in bed (even if they know it). What do you do then? I asked my friend Cheria and got her thoughts on the situation. She made a point that if both people in the relationship are virgins, they wouldn’t know any better because they would have no other partner to compare the experience too. But virgin or not, when its not good, its not good!

 I’ve had the opposite situation. The physical connection was so amazingly MIND BLOWING, but everything else was shit! But I will say, I stayed longer in that relationship then one where that physical connection was bad. It's because sex is not only physical, but its emotional and mental too. It encompasses all those feelings, thoughts, wishes and not to mention the skin on skin sensation. Marriage has taught me that all those things matter in a relationship. That they are all equally important. If one is lacking, they are ALL lacking. There has to be a connection on all levels, especially if you are making a life long commitment to someone. Sure it can be all hot in the beginning. But after 2, 5, 10 years with the same person, you better work your hardest to keep that spark alive. And the same old stuff is not gonna cut it. And it turns into a snowball effect and the next thing you know, you're both sleeping in separate bedrooms. People cheat mentally and emotionally, not just physically. Its because they are not on the same page with their partner and looking to be fulfilled in some way that their other half is not giving them. So in my opion, would I pass up a good partner over bad sex… hell yes!!!!

Love Malinda xoxo

 P.S here is a link to the article if you want to take a look. Also, I am not promoting cheating, sexual orgies or even saying go out and get freaky to find your “perfect match”. This is not a Pro-Sex entry, it’s a Pro-Self entry because no one should settle for less then what they are worth. Know your worth and don't settle for just anyone!

http://www.essence.com/2012/06/22/girls-best-friend-would-you-pass-on-a-good-man-over-bad-sex/

Thursday, June 21, 2012

There are Two Sides to Every Story

Everyone here in Western New York and even some parts of the USA, has been talking about the events that happened on Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at the Erie County Medical Center. For those of you reading this that don't know the story, a surgeon at the hospital shot and killed his ex-girlfriend (a nurse at the same hospital), point blank in the head 3 times. Due to the nature of the incident, the whole medical facility was put on lockdown and there was a man hunt for the doctor, who was later found dead from an apparent suicide. Of course the initial reaction was that of shock and concern for all those involved. Then it seemed to have turned into something else. There were angry posts and status on Facebook. Conversations about the incident were escalated and many were screaming for the doctors’ blood. I, on the other hand, could only ask, "What causes a person to suddenly snap?" To many people's surprise, this cold blooded killer was also known to be an excellent doctor, a good father and an all around nice guy. So what happened? I mean, what really happened to this man for him to just drive off the deep end, guns blazing? Literally. He had been married before and divorced and it was stated by a couple ex-girlfriends that he was possessive and abusive. It was noted in the media, that there were rumbles of domestic abuse and the good doctor even went so far as place a secret gps system in his girlfriends’ car to know where she was at all time. He's crazy, right? A weirdo and a nut job. But prior to that devastating day, the couple had been together for four years. Four years is not a short amount of time. And I know what some of you are going to say. "It doesn't matter how long they were together! No one deserves to be abused." and "It can take years for a person to leave their abuser." And yes, all of that is true, but we don't know what happens when people close their doors. How do we know that the abuse wasn't both ways and to what extent? We don't know the nature of their relationship and frankly, when you have lots of money and power at your disposal, it makes things a lot easier to shallow. Not to mention that fact that, she was a white woman and he was a black man. It’s like OJ Simpson all over again. And once again, I know people are going to be like, "race has nothing to do with it!” As far as America is concerned, yes, it does and that's just the reality of our country. Its sad, but its true and the media is going to play on it and misconstrue it until we as a country say no more. Now, I'm not making this a race issue, that's not my real concern with this whole thing, but it needs to be brought to people’s attention, instead of being swept under the rug or ignored or treated like the kids from Flowers in the Attic ( I love that book!). No, race is not my real concern as far as this incident goes. My issue is that this man was in Special Ops for years! He's a military man and not just any military man; he was in Special friggin Ops!!!!! Is no one else seeing the connection? No? Ok, let me break it down for you. We as Americans don't do enough for our veterans. We don't do enough for the people who serve this country. Putting up a yellow ribbon, or flying a flag outside your house, or welcoming them back at the airport is just not cutting it! In so many instances, the person that leaves home is not the same person who comes back. Our US military members have the highest suicide rate of any group of people in this country. They come home to no jobs, no support and quite often in need of mental health professionals that are not available to them. No Benefits, no homes and yet a parade and Christine Aguilera singing the Star Spangle Banner is suppose to be enough. And just because someone doesn't come home showing immediate signs, it does not mean that issues won't manifest years later. I'm not saying that the doctor being in the military is the reason why he snapped or that it’s an excuse or even that every military person has mental health issues. But what if this was the case for the doctor? Had he had the proper mental health support, could this situation have been avoided? This is a lose-lose situation because so many lose out. A young woman is dead and she leaves behind a 4 year old child who has no mother now. Her parents have no daughter and there are many who mourn her loss. But, the doctor had a family and friends too, just like her. His son has no father and will forever wonder if his dad really was a monster. His brother will question what happened. Hell, even my grandmother was one of his patients. And while I spoke with her yesterday, she just said "He was a really nice man". There are so many questions that will never be answered, but I keep this thought in my mind, there is always two sides to every story. Two sides to every coin and no one wins in situations like this. We have to learn from this, all of us, not just the people involved. Instead of ignoring signs that someone is in trouble, talk to them or at least suggest some help. We are all so consumed with our own little bubble that we don't see the destruction all around us. There are always two sides to the story, the question is, what part you will play in both. Sending love to all those involved and all of you Malinda

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I Heart Buffalo

My mother calls me the unofficial mayor of Buffalo, New York. And you know what; I wear that title like a badge of honor. People who really know me know that I LOVE Buffalo. I'm proud to live here and happy to know that I am raising my family in an amazing, multi-cultural environment. So as you can safely assume, it really pisses me off when people down my city. My solution for the haters: if you don't like Buffalo, the get the hell out and let the rest of us enjoy it! I've always been the type of person where, if I don't like something, I change it. If a job is too boring or non-stimulating, I get a new one. If a person I hang around is negative, I stop hanging out with them. If I don't like the way the furniture is arranged, I move it. I believe in making a situation better, not worse. I believe in change and I strive to evolve into a better wife, mother, friend, and daughter. I feel the same way about the city I live in. So when I hear people say things like " Ain't nothing to do in Buffalo.” more then likely I can assume that it’s not the place, but the people. When you limit yourself to doing the same thing, going to the same place, talking tot he same people, of course it’s going to feel boring, because it is! Life is what you make it folks. And when your life is in a stalemate, its time for YOU to make move. There is so much to do in Buffalo and so much to see. We have more festivals then any other city in the county. So no one living here should say they have nothing to do in the summer, EVER! Not to mention a great waterfront (which we don't use enough, but that's a whole other blog entry), amazing architecture, tons of beaches, art, theater, museums and I don't even need to get into the food. Speaking of art and theater, Buffalo is a great place for support in this type of community. I live right behind the Essex Art Center and Big Orbit Gallery and I can assure you that Buffalo supports its artists. Actually, it supports its people. Whenever my son and I walk near the building, the director or manager on duty let's Masaya come in and paint or check out the exhibits, just to be a support in the community. We just attended that latest installment of Clutter, a community of local artist who create an open market to display their wares, and had some amazing food at The Whole Hog food truck. Art not your thing, try the Botanical gardens or The Griffin Sculpture Park. Why not drive up to Lake George for a long weekend or take the Moon cat sailboat on a cruise with your friends or partner. Take a walking tour or see the fantastic Muster in the Meadow at Forest Lawn Cemetery, where they re-create the civil war. Oh yeah and Canada is right next door. I live in a city that's only 20 minutes away from another country, not another state, but another country. You want to shake things up, go to Toronto for the weekend. Hell, MontrĂ©al is like a five to six hour drive away. That's like going to Paris on a budget! It takes longer to drive to New York City. Not to mention all the vineyards, bed and breakfasts, parks and other cities to see on the way there. Honestly, I could go on and on and on, but I think you get the point. I belong to so many groups and organizations here in Buffalo. The reason for this is that I support my community. Buffalo is more then a sports town. We have great musicians, actors, artists, writers, poets, designers, and great people here just in general. But a community can't thrive if it has no support. The reason why you have places like New York City, Las Vegas, Chicago, and Boston is because people support it. They take care of their home. They nurture the energy and when something doesn't work, they change it to make it work. I see so much potential here in Buffalo to be the great city it once was, but in order for us to get there, the people who live here need to either, get on this train or get off because when we pull out of the station, we're not stopping to pick anyone up. For the people that don't live here, come check us out! You can personally contact me and I will be your official guide to all thing Buffalo! And I challenge all the people who live here with their negative attitudes, try something new. Once you change your perceptive, your whole outlook will change as well. We can make this city great again, but we have to stop complaining and start moving to that next level. Remember, faith without works is dead. Sending Love, Luck and Angels M xoxo