Reflections of 2021

 

It’s quiet in my hotel room. The sun is slowly rising in the east. The sky is warm and open and I feel good in this moment. And it’s not just the calm of the morning and the stillness and the peace that I feel that lets me know I feel good. It’s the fact that I am even inspired to write. The past 365 days have been all but a blur. It has been nothing but a swirling storm of ups and downs, that continue to thrash and throw and confuse and exhilarate all at the same time. Yet, here I stand and here I am. 

When I went through my divorce over six years ago, I thought that year was indeed the hardest of my life. But I have to say, this year of 2021 has rivaled it. From the beginning until the very end, I have been thrown into moments of death, loss, betrayal, hurt, pain, frustration, utter disrespect and extreme anger. I called this my angry year because I honestly do not remember experiencing such continued feelings of anger in my entire life. It’s difficult enough dealing with what the world is throwing out to you.  The second year of a pandemic, still reeling from racial tensions and a political divide. Witnessing the gap of the “have and the have nots”,  continue to grow in my country and the frustration and feeling as though nothing will ever change. However, adding to all of that, my own interpersonal relationships and my own growth as a black woman living here in America, was at times completely and utterly unbearable. I have never questioned God so much in my entire life than I did this year. It was a complete domino affect, one thing after the next thing, after the next thing. And just when I had thought I had wrapped my head around one horrible experience, the next one will come harder and faster and swifter. Knocking me down before I could regain my balance. Was God punishing me? Or was this my trial to prove how strong my faith was? I gave into all of those negative emotions. There were days that I never left my bedroom. Where I felt completely and utterly immobilized and numb to all that was going on outside of me. Days where I did not eat and could no longer feel the rumbling of my stomach, begging me to nourish it. Days where all I wanted to do was run away, even from the two people I love most in this world, my children. This year has been full of darkness for me. Yet, here I stand and here I am.

But here’s the thing. Through all of that darkness, there were still moments of light that kept me going, that kept pushing me. Even now as I write this, the sun is shining on my face and I keep taking moments to pause and close my eyes and feel the light on me. That light is so bright and it feels so warm and so good. Like genuine smile or a light kiss on my forehead from those show love me. And I am so eternally grateful for these moments. Through God, the people who truly love me, nature, my therapist, and my own divine self, I was able to see more light than darkness. And reflecting on this year that put me through so much…the year that tested every portion of me, also taught me some of the greatest lessons I will ever learn. And through it all I am grateful. It’s true what they say, growth is difficult. It isn’t some feel good meme on social media or parts of a self-help book that you only skimmed through. Growth is hard, it is work, it is diligence, and it is something you have to do daily. It is focus, it is strength and it is understanding the balance of the good as well as the bad. So when those hard times come and those hard emotions rise up inside of you, acknowledge them, and sit with them but also let them go. I’m not there yet but I’m definitely on my way. And it feels so damn good. 

Here I stand and here I am.

Wishing you all peace, blessings and love for 2022.

-Malinda xo