Making every second count❤️

 

If I had to pin down all of my life experiences and say what was the greatest of them all, for me, it would be the fact that I am blessed to be a mother. It is by far my greatest accomplishment. I know some people wanna win Pulitzer Prizes ,write award-winning songs, contribute to scientific research and exploration. But for me, all those things pale in comparison to being a mother to Masaya and Yui. And my privilege is not lost on me. I understand and know far too well the struggles that so many others have trying to conceive or having roadblocks hit time and time again in their adoption or fostering process. When I say that I am blessed, it is not a cliché or an underwhelming statement, I know that I have been blessed to not only carry two healthy children, but to be able to raise them as well. 

Now don’t get me wrong, being a parent isn’t rainbows and sunshine and flowers and perfect days. It, just like any other relationship, is hard work. There are days that are absolutely amazing and on spiring. And then there are some days that I honestly want to lock myself in the bathroom and never come out again. Especially being a single parent. I had a dream wedding but I ended up having a nightmare marriage. And for so long, I was ashamed that I had failed. I blamed myself and felt the stigma of being a divorcée and raising two children by myself. I was embarrassed, hurt, disappointed, and so many other feelings. But more than anything, I felt as though I was a horrible mother because I couldn’t make my marriage work. That any kind of shortcoming or challenge that my children faced would be a direct result because of  the choice I made to end my union. And quite honestly I still feel those things from time to time. The guilt of not being able to give them what I thought would be the perfect family unit. But that wasn’t the path that God chose for me. I’ve learned through healing and therapy that I have to be kind to myself. And I also understand that my relationship is not my children’s responsibility to bare. Instead, I try my best to coparent with their father and more than anything, I think of the best advice that was given to me when I was pregnant with Masaya and carry with me to this day. I was told to make sure that I make every second count because time moves so quickly when children grow up.

The end of pregnancy can feel so long and daunting. In the first few months once your child is born or when your child is still an infant everyday can seem so hard and difficult because everything is so new. But for me after the first year, things seem to move like a whirlwind, passing me by so quickly I could hardly keep up. My pregnancy with Yui was like a blur due to the fact that she was not only my second but I was also at the end of my marriage. I can hardly remember her being an infant let alone a toddler. And suddenly, I looked up and she was going to preschool. I think God that I’m the kind of mother that takes pictures and videos of almost everything. The insignificant little sounds they make but also the milestones of first steps and first words, those are the memories I hold dear. The sweet smell of baby powder after a bath or the diaper explosions that honestly I’d love to forget about but from this angle seem so comical. Reminiscing on those moments are treasures for me.

I love being a mother. I love being with my children, and spending time with them and laughing and joking and making memories. But I also take being a parent very seriously. I understand that I only have a short amount of time with them, to instill a foundation in them that needs to push them forward for the rest of their lives. 18 years isn’t a long time. I have to make every second count. Every smile, every disciplinary action, every hug and kiss, the smell of their hair and their skin, the tears of frustration, the sound of  “I love you Mommy”... relish in all of it. I know you’ve heard the saying before to “give me my flowers while I’m here.” And it’s so true. Everyone isn’t meant to be a parent but everyone has relationships. Whether it be with your parents, siblings, friends, or partners. And all relationships aren’t positive but they are meant to teach us something. But for the bonds that are truly meaningful, appreciation and be grateful for all it entails. Make sure you make every second count. Because the reality of the fact is that all relationships will end, whether they end on their own or by death. Take those photos, have those inside jokes, share a meal, a tradition, take the time you need to because it’s fleeting. And through it all, make it count.