It's ok to not be ok

Holy statues in Kamakura, Japan.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but as a society, we've got it in our heads that if you're going through any kind of life change that isn't positive, you're being a downer. When did they come up with the equation that positivity equals being happy? And if you're not happy, why are you lumped into the category of being negative? Don't get me wrong, happiness is defiantly positive. So is love and gooey mac and cheese and binging The Lord of the Rings trilogy (at least for me it is). And yes, there are folks who literally have nothing positive to say whenever you're around them. But when did we become ashamed to say "I'm having a bad day" or "Life is pretty hard for me right now" without the fear of getting the side eye or worse, being cut off all together.

The past seven months have been filled with some of the most stressful and overwhelming moments of my life. I have battled with periods of deep emotion, where the weight of it all felt as though it would choke me and I would surely succumb to the pressure. That I would drown in my loneliness and constantly feeling that the effort I was putting forth wasn't good enough. I was convinced in my insecurities, that I would perish and fail. And one early evening, exhausted and melancholic, I raced to the backyard of my grandparents suburban home, dug a raggedy hole in the dirt at the furthest corner of the yard and with all my might I screamed into the hole. All my frustrations, disappointments, days and nights of crying, feeling unsupported and unloved, it all went into that hole. And when I finally stopped I did feel better until I began to panic that the neighbors may think I was utterly insane. With the fresh dirt under my nails and on my palms, I calmly got up and walked into the house to wash them. Though it didn't solve any of the issues plaguing me, it defiantly brought me some relief and the realization that even though my life seemed to be in complete shambles, it was ok.

I've always been a flexible person, able to adjust and adapt to my environment and the company in it. And this ability has served me well. For the most part, I maintain a positive attitude, play well with others and don't find myself sweating the small stuff. But when my mother suffered an aneurysm in late April of this year, it started a chain reaction of stressful situations, one right after the other. Initially, I was handling things quite well considering, but there were so many conflicts in so many areas of my life, not just my mothers illness, that the once prevalent smile I wore began to fade. My talent of adapting had expired and it was replaced with nothing. In my mind, I was floating in the middle of the sea, storm raging and there was no life boat to save me. What could I do? The only thing I could think of to do, wait out the storm. Instead of trying to force myself to see the Bright side, I acknowledged my fears on all accounts. My family, my finances, my romantic relationship, my career, all of it. That was the day I screamed into that little hole in my grandparents backyard. I was honest with myself about what I was trying so desperately to hide so others wouldn't perceive me as weak or being negative. I starting see a therapist again and now have the tools that best fit me when life is coming at me the hardest.

And that's just it, life. The good, the bad, the weird, the exciting. Everyday that you are given is an experience and it will not be the same everyday. We go through wonderful periods of life, but we also go through boring, or confusing, even tragic times as well. Positivity does not always equal happiness. But it does equal how we handle what life throws at us. I encourage you to always be honest with yourself. When you're feeling good, say it and when you're not, say it too. When you go through your own storm, find what works best for you to take cover until that storm passes. Because the sun always finds a way to shine after the storm has come and gone.