You are right where you need to be

Masaya and Yui this summer at Wilkeson Pointe, Buffalo, NY

Some people know exactly what they want to do in life. For others, it takes years, even a lifetime. And sadly, a select few never get there at all. For me, it took two years. That's how long its been since I've actually written a post here on my own blog. Don't get me wrong. I haven't been totally MIA. Ive vlogged on my Facebook page and I've definitely journaled and jotted down ideas. But I'm talking about taking the time to sit down, structure my ideas, write and formulate a piece and share it. Yeah, its been a while. When I initially realized this and the shock wore off, honestly, I was ashamed. How could I call myself a writer if I wasn't writing?  What the hell was I doing? I thought about other colleagues and associates who were not only getting their stuff out there, they had written books and were published and I was...doing nothing. I wasn't moving. The more I thought about it, the sadder I became. 'Just throw the whole damn blog away!', I thought to myself. I prayed and went to bed. And then it happened. A little thing called clarity.

Now side note, I have gone through a lot and I do mean a lot, of personal battles within those long lost two years (knocking really on three and a half). One of the tools that I was given and one I am so very grateful for is meditation. I learned to quite all the chaos in my head and focus on stillness because only in those moments do we find clarity. And that's when I realized that I was right where I needed to be.

I was so focused on what I wasn't doing and what I hadn't done and what everyone else was doing and what they did, that I wasn't looking at the big picture. Which was, all that I had accomplished to get me to where I was. I had overcome a very bitter and painful divorce. I made sure that I had not only taken care of my children and insured that they were loved and that they would be alright. But, I had taken care of myself. I had gone through a battle and I had won not only my freedom but I had grown spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I was standing on my own for the first time in ten years and I couldn't have been prouder.  I didn't need to write. I needed to take care of myself and my children. And even if I had written, I now know that it would not have been from the heart. It would not have been from a place of honesty because I wasn't in the right place to be honest with myself, let alone with my audience. Whats the saying, "Quality or Quantity". Sure, I could of just spit out pieces for the sake of doing so or because I felt like I needed to keep up the so called competition. But I know that it would of just been fluff.  Just remnants of my ego on display. And the place I'm in now, there is no competition because there is more then enough room for all the creative individuals that I know. Even once my divorce was settled, I still had to find myself again. And I allowed this to happen. I am better because of it. My writing is better because of it. Letting go and regrouping is a powerful thing my friends. Maybe if we did it more, we'd find it easier to get to where we're going.

So here I am. I no longer say that I'm starting over, but I'm onto the next chapter. And as cheesy as it sounds, its the truth. Because I'm right where I need to be.