Tuesday, April 30, 2013

No father figure please!

Hello friends! I know its been too long since I last posted, so please forgive me. Gonna try my best to get off my lazy caboose and write more, especially because it feels so darn good. Are you all enjoying spring? I know I am. Being trapped in the house all winter did not make me a productive girl and frankly that cabin fever was spreading through my house like wild fire. But, now that the weather is getting nicer on a regular basis, I've kicked up my workouts (thanks to my girls Katherine M and Kathryn K. Thanks ladies!), done some much needed spring cleaning and spruced up my front yard. I'm feeling good and I know that the abundance of sunshine has a lot to do with it, but there are still some challenges that take me for a loop when faced.

My friends, I want to get a little personal with you. I have never been one to shy away about telling my story. I believe that for the most part, my life is an open book because I know that along the way, my story may help someone else. My experience may be an inspiration to someone who truly needs it. This is what connects us as human beings, the shared experience. It is my belief that this connection is what keeps us going.

My father was never a part of my life and you know... I'm OK with that. I always have been OK with it. I have never been the girl who longed to meet or even have a relationship with her biological father. I mean, my grandfather was and is the man who raised me and my uncles have always been present. There was no void, for me, no lack of male influence. Now, I have met my father several times, more so within the past year and a half. He and his family have been somewhat persistent and trying to keep track of me recently, but honestly it comes off like a guilt trip, it just does not feel genuine. In a way I feel like some trophy being sought after a because his other children (I am his oldest) are nothing to brag about. If comes off like he needs something to claim, to say "See, I didn't screw up. Look at my daughter". Its annoying and down right juvenile to me, so I try my best to stay away, but then the phone calls and sad voices on the other end start and the guilt is there. I don't like that feeling. I don't like being made to feel like I HAVE to visit you or I'm obligated to because you whine and complain...but I do. And really, what kind of relationship is that? When you know that the person doesn't want to be there but you keep them there anyway just to be selfish? Oh my friends, I don't understand why I set myself up for this. Its not because I don't like my father or his family, I just don't know them. How can I be all warm and fuzzy if I know NOTHING about you? It just makes no sense to me at all. Relationships are built, they are not automatic. This is how we connect, this is what makes us human. We build relationships and when we stop building, there is no longer a relationship, no connection.

Really, my annoyance with my father and his family is just the fact that, to this day, they have never taken responsibility for their lack of action in my life. I am a firm believer that when you mess up, say it. Own up to it, learn from it and move on. Blaming everyone, mainly mother's family,  for "keeping me away from them" like Rapunzel trapped in the tower is pure bullshit. And if that was the case, maybe there was a reason that I was not allowed to visit. No matter, once I became an adult and I have been living on my own since I was 20 years old, I was never sought out, never contacted, until I just happened to bump into my father's sister about a year ago. Maybe if I was naive, young or just plain stupid, I'd buy it. But the thing is, I'm not stupid, never have been, never will be. To quote Leah Black from The Real Housewives of Miami

                               " I can deal  with a lot, but I can't deal with stupid." 

I guess the lesson that comes from all of this is that blood may be thicker then water, but we all bleed. Just because you are blood related, does not make that person your family. With my own child, I try my best to teach him that everything you do in life has a consequence. I know that he is only 3, but I want it hammered into his head, so that he never forgets. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder then a drum. This is how I have always looked a the character of a person, by what they do. And this is how I want you all to see me, by my actions. I don't know what will happen with my family, his family and myself, but from judging by the past 32 years...nothing much.

Happy spring my dears, until next time,

Malinda xoxoxo